Monday, April 12, 2010

Hope & Cells

It is the eve of my little Tinker's first day of pre-school so I thought I'd pop in and update you instead of spending any more time fiddling nervously with her little backpack for tomorrow!

Yes I survived last week, and yes I know I owe you some tales and pictures from our fabulous trip. Alas, real life has the audacity to get in the way of my blog posts.

Someone who read last week's post sent me an email asking me about my miscarriage. They made the point that "in the first trimester it isn't really a baby" and suggested I think not of it as the death of our child but rather a mass of cells.

I appreciate the thought, I take it this particular reader thought their advice might console me in some way, however I couldn't help but share their thoughts with you all. Especially after receiving so many emails from other readers who had suffered similar losses and said they found little understanding from their friends and families.

Everybody is different, and if I am to share with you my feelings about this, it would be to point out that a loss is a loss. It is the sudden end to a lifetime of hopes and dreams for a special little person. Whether that little person resembles a salamander in a sac of a fluid or looks a lot like your Uncle Ned, it doesn't matter. An unborn baby represents hope. From the moment you are blessed with a pregnancy your heart fills with dreams for this little person. If the baby dies before he gets the chance to meet you, he takes all of those dreams with him.

In my case, I had put a lot of weight on the fact that our baby was due around the one year anniversary of my dear friend Alli's death. It warmed my heart knowing that our special little baby would bring so much joy and hope to everyone remembering Alli a year after her death. So for me, losing this baby represents a lot.

It comes at a time when some people are moving on with their lives without Alli and for others, the 6month mark has been a very sad one. I'm in the latter group and after this happening, I am feeling a kind of double-grief. Missing so much, my beloved friend and soul mate and missing also, the hope of this new little life that represented so much for so many of us.


  1. I know that for some people thinking of an early loss as just being "cells" must make it easier to cope with. We all have different coping styles after all.

    However, I think you hit the nail on the head, it "is the sudden end to a lifetime of hopes and dreams for a special little person" for many of us. When I was 9 weeks pregnant we lost A's twin, and I still do, and I guess always will, mourn those lost hopes and dreams.

    Thinking of you. xx Melissa

  2. You articulated your situation very well, and all I can do is wish you all the best and send you a cyber-hug.

  3. Some people are so clever with their words no?
    So glad to see you back on my blog feed again!
    Good luck to you and Tinker on the first day of school!

  4. We each experience and process loss in our own way, and no one else can know what we feel. hugs.

  5. I am sorry for the losses you have suffered recently. And I am sorry for words, though most likely offered with good intentions, that cut the wounds a little deeper. You are in the thoughts of many.

  6. I totally agree with you, a pregnancy is the promise of a life and all the hopes and dreams that go with it.
    I saw my baby on ultrasound at 6 weeks and although he did not resemble a baby, that little heart was fluttering away. So I don't agree that it is just cells.

    Be kind to your self and grieve at your own pace/time.

    Looking forward to hearing how Tinker enjoyed herself at pre-school.

  7. C-
    i don't know how i didn't know you were pregnant again...and are pregnant no longer. it's hard for me to even say "lost" because being a mother it terrifies me to even imagine losing my child. what a horrible pain and sadness you must be feeling! and that it all coincides with you saying goodbye to Alli when you did. so hard! much love and many prayers for you tonite from the USA. wish i could carry some of your hurt for you for a little while....

  8. Hi I just wanted to say well done for writing so beautifully on what can't have been an easy post. We all deal with what the Gods throw at us in our own way- I really don't think there is a right way just whatever gets you through. The very second we find out we are pregnant life becomes compartmentalised and ruled by dates , stages and trimesters. Loss is loss, take your time. I wish you the very best of luck - loving the blog ! x

  9. Hi again, I thought this may help , it always does for me. Taken from Oliver Twist :

    '"it opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes and softens down the temper."' Said Mr. Bumble." So cry away."' xx

  10. Thank you so much for this post. It takes a lot of bravery to talk about something so delicate so openly. I have followed your blog for a while and I just recently had a miscarriage. Your words helped me as I have had many people make the "first trimester" comment. It is nice to know I am not the only one that feels this way. You are 1000 % right in saying it's about the hope and love and the promise of a life.

  11. Oh my beautiful friend. My heart breaks for you. Much love x

  12. I guess it could be a comfort to some to link the magnitude of their grief to some literal measure.

    But sadness, loss, grief (and even the positives of desire, hope and joy) are rarely quite so grounded in the scientific.

    Some people just don't get it. They may be motivated out of love, but such platitudes are rarely as comforting as they might hope.

  13. I can not believe someone would go through the trouble of writing an email to tell that to you.
    This person obviously hasn't had a miscarriage. I totally understand how you feel. A baby means the world to us from day one, and in your case, so much more. Hope you're feeling better and keep writing.

  14. Wow I am so sorry that someone would write that to you. That is awful, every loss is a loss and describing it like a bunch of cells is just unimaginable. You have some....interesting readers

  15. I am saying a prayer for you.

  16. I think that the person that wrote that email was very presumptious to think she could comment that way - a bunch of cells that would have become a extra special baby....whatever the outcome it was still your baby.....meh....think I'd put that email address in your blocked senders folder....but then again I'm a grudge holder!

  17. I am so sorry for you loss :-( my husband and I had different feelings towards our loss and I completely understood where he was coming from BUT when you actually experience it yourself no one will ever know how you feel especially seeing you were the one experiencing all the symptoms, the hormones, etc.

  18. I am so sorry for your losses.

  19. My friend just lost her baby with only 9wks pregnancy to go. I cried for her loss as much as she did. My husband said i was being silly because until it's actually here it isn't a baby in his opinion, oh boy was he in the dog house for that. I told him to look at it from the mothers perspective. I have been lucky not to experience such a loss & it is my biggest fear when trying again but I totally agree with you. I am sad you had to go through this on top of everything else you have gone through recently. I have something on my blog for you that will hopefully brighten your day some, please stop by if you get a chance,

    Hugs Ali x

  20. So sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. Thinking of you. xxx

  21. And now, a month after you posted this, your most recent posting, I am sending you a nudge. Here's my hope: that you are not quiet here because that 6 months' mark has proven too heavy; that you are fine and well and good; that you and your Tink are making your way through the newnesses that come with this transition of hers and yours; that you remember that each day brings a new opportunity and hope afresh.

    My sister and dear friend died 2 years and 3 months ago. It gets easier, child; and one day it is fine again, and another day or many on from that one, she is there with me again like a warm hug. Your babe is with your friend, and I'm betting the two of them are talking and TALKING about who you are in their lives! Peace, child.

  22. oh gosh I have so much to catch up on and I've been looking forward to you returning to blogging.

    what a loser to write! I'm so sorry you lost your pregnancy. Before the twins I had an ectopic pregnancy and it just broke my heart, I kept thinking they'd just chucked my little baby out with all the surgery mess and I had nothing left. It was devastating and I went on to conceive the twins 6 months later and it was only then that i got closure and realised it had happened for a reason and if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have my twins.

    To the insensitive person who thought it was just cells, it isn't, it's a little person very much loved from that first moment they became known. Poor you, some people still amaze me. And I'm pretty sure the catholic church have a whopping great definition of life and when it starts, insensitive person.

    hugs, when you're ready you'll be ready and go on to have lots more babies (that is what my OB told me and look I'm pregnant with number 4...he really wasn't joking)

    hang in there, good luck with pre-school and enjoy the memories of your lovely trip.