For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from a very serious and socially debilitating disease. Chronic Foot in Mouth Syndrome. I say it is a syndrome more so than a disease because there are a number of different features that define it, one of them is no matter how hard I try I always say the wrong thing. Most of my friends have been dining out on my shocking faux pas for years and I'm sure for many more to come because as far as I can see, there is no hope of a cure.
I was reminded the other day of a very funny one, it happened a few months ago at a to la-di-da corporate dinner where I was supposed to play the perfect corporate wife. You know the type that smiles, nods, laughs at lame jokes and says the occasional upbeat chipper comment about something harmless and lighthearted? Never the cynic and absolutely never the grump. The corporate wife has no worries and only thinks pretty, happy and friendly thoughts. I always set out to be this person, not because I feel I should but more as a challenge for myself.
I like to test myself to see if I can actually sit through one of these poxy dinners without saying one inappropriate thing. Anyway at this particular dinner a certain famous Australian actress was in attendance. One who seems to poo-poo commercialism except when it comes to a certain Japanese cosmetics brand. Anyway that's a whole other story. The night started out quite well apart from my awkward bathroom encounter with the above mentioned actress. You know those moments where, being under 5'5 you often walk straight into people's chests? Anyway I have those a lot. She was coming out and I was going in. Then we had that awkward encounter where one goes to the left but so does the other then the right then the lest and you end up looking like pair of pins in the bowling alley...
Ok so I was introduced to the wife of one of my husband's business acquaintances. We got chatting about surnames I can't remember why. She was saying she had a friend who changed his surname to his wife's first name. I thought that was interesting but asked why he didn't choose to take her surname, it was Bottom. Fair enough. Then I said my best friend and her husband both changed their surnames when they married, they chose a name that had special meaning to them. I said I'd probably choose something super toff, something with a von involved like last year's youngest billionaire Albert von Thurn und Taxis.
You all know how this story ends don't you? Madame with the perfect blonde quiff smiles pitifully at the poor washed up housewife wearing her mother's unironed sack of a dress (yes I really did wear one of my mum's dresses. Let's not even go there ok. Baby weight is hard to lose and nothing of mine would fit!) and she chuckles condescendingly, "oh my sister's married name is Von ...." something or other. Of course she is. Excellent.
Honestly you just can't take me anywhere!
Oh and for the single ladies, here is Albert, 25 and worth $2.0 bill. You'd think he could afford a nicer shirt.
image credit bittenandbound.com