Cutting out my eye to spite my face

image credit squidoo.com

So if you came here looking for a chipper upbeat cuddly little post from a meek and mild little blogger in a pretty apron I suggest you back away now because Mrs Crankpants is here at the keyboard. Ok so I may own a pretty apron or 4 but I'm not Mrs Cleaver today. I'm Mrs Cranky.

Now I realise it might be overkill to post another little rant about the medical profession after yesterday's tale of Dr Google but I can't help myself. I do not swan about lunching glamorously or shopping up a storm. I'm one of the ordinary mums who does ordinary things like housework and takes thrilling trips to Aldi for cheap biscuits and secretly fantasises about voodoo.

Voodoo. Yes that weird practice where you get an ugly mini me of your enemy and you poke it with pins. I am actually thinking about going into business selling voodoo dolls of medical receptionists. I reckon I'd make a fortune.

Now before you all get cross with me let me preface this by saying that I have worked as a receptionist. At a store, a law firm and an investment bank so this isn't a receptionist rant in general. No this little gem of a rant is directed at those who make a living by answering a doctor's phone while rolling their eyes, asking stupid questions and making outrageous statements to ophthalmic patients like well maybe you can't see out of that eye because you have the patch there from the surgery.

Right. I'm ringing my surgeon because I can't see and it hasn't occurred to me that I should take the patch off my eye first. Maybe you might actually understand what I'm saying if you take that garish fake fingernail out of your ear and actually listen to what I'm saying you useless phone answering bag of stupidness. Yes, a medical receptionist actually said that to me once.

I had a similarly frustrating conversation today only I had it 5 times with two different fools at the same office and the outcome is that I now need to find a new eye surgeon because I've fired mine. Sure I've got a suture poking out of my eye scratching the jeepers out of my eyelid and the only other surgeon who actually treats the wonky eye problem that I have is IN ANOTHER STATE but bugger that for a lark I refuse to keep paying this asshat to fob my calls off to a bunch of women with the collective intelligence of a gnat's pinkie toe.

Don't get me wrong I am sure there are a few lovely medical receptionists somewhere in the world but in my experience (and let me tell you I've had so many medical appointments in my life) the medical receptionist falls into one of these categories:

1. The I Am In Love With The Doctor So Badly That I Can't Sleep At Night Variety. This is the receptionist who refers to the doctor as "doctor" as though it is his or her name, the way you would refer to me as Carolyn. So she'll say "oh no I'm afraid Doctor can't take calls right now. I made him a little sandwich because he seemed awfully tired and needed a little break poor pet." It drives me mad. Either put a pronoun in front of it or add his surname. You could very easily substitute it for God. "Oh no God can't possibly take your call right now, he is way too busy." Only to these women, "Doctor" is bigger and better than God.

2. The I Hate My Job, I Hate Doctors And I Hate You More Variety. This is the one whose eyebrows are permanently raised and eyes seem to be stuck on automatic roll. Everything you say or do is annoying to this person and no matter how polite and thoughtful you are, she will not assist you in any way. Child is going blue after chocking on something? Old lady fell in the car park and broke her hip? Too bad. This lady is not going to the page your doctor, it is all too tedious for her. You'll have to wait til her shift changes.

3. The Acrylic Nail Size Zero Too Much Hairspray Plunging Neckline Variety. This is the one who is not listening to what you are saying and never will. She is A.) too stupid and B.)too busy adjusting her tight polyester booby top while checking out her reflection in the caller ID screen on the phone. She is about as clever as your shoe, she doesn't understand medical terminology but she will never let you speak to the doctor, ever and you will never get a coherent message to or from the doctor when she is on duty.

4. The Receptionist Who Knows As Much If Not More Than The Doctor Variety. This is the one who diagnoses your condition over the phone and decides whether or not you deserve an appointment with the doctor. You have more chance of variety #3 putting you through to the doctor than this one. This one is smarter than the doctor so any advice she gives you must be accepted and if you even dare again to ask to speak with your doctor she will refuse and not only that she will black mark your file with a symbol only she and the doctor understand.

5. The Variety Who Isn't Any Of The Above. Sorry but so far I haven't met this one.

So have I mentioned how much my eye hurts?